


Why Didn’t You Save Us?

by Fandoms101



Category: Panic! at the Disco, The Young Veins
Genre: Angst, I, I don’t know if these count as trigger warnings, M/M, Post-Split, Very Very Angsty, and self hatred, but basically there’s some alcohol/drug abuse, i might have cried writing this, just in case, just wanted to let people know, sadsadryro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 16:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15800694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandoms101/pseuds/Fandoms101
Summary: He knows what tomorrow is.Of course he does. He’d known for months, considering all the interviews he’s watched and all the Instagram photos he’d scrolled through.He knows what tomorrow is.He prepared himself for it.But even when you know it’s coming, the pain that you’ve felt for years doesn’t suddenly disappear.





	Why Didn’t You Save Us?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, fellas!  
> Very sad.  
> Very angsty.  
> Please don’t hate me.  
> sorry if it sucks I wrote this instead of sleeping at midnight and was to tired to re-read.  
> Enjoy!

He knows what tomorrow is. Of course he does. He’d known for months, considering all the interviews he’s watched and all the Instagram photos he’d scrolled through. He knows what tomorrow is. He prepared himself for it. But even when you know it’s coming, the pain that you’ve felt for years doesn’t suddenly disappear. Of course, Ryan wishes it would. He wishes he’d stop thinking about it, about the band, about him, about  _them._ But no matter how hard he tries, nothing he drinks, snorts, smokes, or injects ever makes him forget. No matter how many people he fucks, ranging from tanned blondes with blue eyes, to dark haired boys with brown doe eyes, and big rosy lips, ever makes him forget. Each time he's close to coming, It’s always the image of his face and his hands and his lips that send him over the edge.

So yeah. He knew what tomorrow was. Tomorrow, the boy he’d loved for years, the boy who he thought would be the one thing in his life that actually stayed there, is officially going to be somebody else’s. Legal documents and vows to never part, the whole thing. He’s going to marry Sarah and never think about him again. 

The worst part is, is that this is all his fault. He could’ve had this. He could’ve been the one who woke up to his beautiful face every morning, he could’ve  been the one to kiss his lips every night, he could’ve been the one that says “I do” because of course he does. But stupid 18 year old Ryan Ross didn’t know how much he wanted him. Stupid 19 year old Ryan Ross didn’t know how much he loved him. Stupid 20, 21 year old Ryan Ross didn’t see that the boy in front of him was all he ever needed. That if he had him he wouldn’t want or need or think about anything else. Stupid Ryan Ross pushed him away because he was afraid. He was so afraid of him, afraid of how he made him feel, afraid of how he came undone when he was with him, afraid of how his heart physically ached when he wasn’t around. He let him in, let him in far enough to know that if he left he wouldn’t be able to function but stupid Ryan Ross with his drug induced brain, and his absolute refusal to be the one who was turned away because he was just so fucking  _scared_ , said hurtful things that he could never take back, screamed and yelled at him about how naive Brendon was and how on earth he ever thought that anything they had was more than sex. When he watched Brendon’s mouth open slightly and his eyes fill with tears that fell over his cheeks and on onto the bridge of his nose and off to the ground, he felt something inside himself tear. When Brendon’s voice broke when he whispered “okay” and when he stumbled out of the hotel door. He felt the entirety of his being shatter. He sat on the bed and he didn’t even cry because he snorted to much coke and he just kicked the one good, right thing, out of his life and so he felt numb. The tears wanted to fall, he could feel them, and he wanted to cry, he wanted to scream and cry big ugly sobs until it just feels better until is goes all away, until he comes back, but he couldn’t. So he sat there and stared at the blank walls thinking  _what the fuck did I just do,_ until he stood up and went to drown himself in vodka. The next morning when he woke up he was in his boxers on the floor of his hotel room, with Spencer standing over him screaming at him about what a fucking horrible person he is, what a fucking prick he is, how could he do that to someone like Brendon, why the fuck he’s such a fucking idiot, moron, piece of absolute shit. Ryan just closed his eyes and rolled away to face the wall and when Spencer stopped yelling, Ryan could hear the sniffling and the tightness of his voice when Spencer whispered

“I think you should leave.” Ryan knew what he meant. He balled his hands into fists and closed his eyes so tightly he could see colors, and then he nodded and he kept nodding and nodding and nodding even after Spencer walked out the door. He started to shake on the floor and turned onto his back to look and the ceiling and he felt so disgusted with himself, he knew when he sat up and threw up all over the floor is wasn’t  all because of the alcohol or drugs from the night before. He walked over to the bathroom and, shaking more than ever now, and looked at himself in the mirror, looked at how his ribs stuck out of his body, looked into the eyes of someone who he hated, despised, looked at some coke he got onto his nose, and he raised one hand and punched the mirror with so much force that it shattered. He got glass in his hands and the blood on his fist dripped onto the floor, but he didn’t care, it didn’t matter it didn’t matter nothing mattered anymore, so he slumped onto the wall and he cried, but not like he wanted to cry, he didn’t screamed or let out ugly sobs, the tears came slowly and painfully and that made it so much worse.

So yes he knew what tomorrow was and yes he still hurt, but it didn’t matter, he couldn’t do anything about it. Ryan wanted to stop thinking about it so badly, so so badly, he wanted all the coke in the world right now, wanted every shot of tequila he could find, wanted to jug a bottle of vodka, but he was trying to get better. He limited his drinks to one cup of scotch a day, just one. Usually he drank at night before he went to bed, so he could still have the taste in his mouth and get the mini little kick from it before he closed his eyes and drifted off. But the wedding was tomorrow so screw it, he’s going to have a cup of scotch at 5:30 in the evening. He tried to drink it slowly, wanted to savor the taste but he felt like it was gone too fast after he finished. He looked at the bottom of his glass for a few minutes before he lunged it at a wall without thinking. The glass shattered and little shards went everywhere, but he couldn’t be bothered to clean up anything. He closed his eyes and when he opened them back up he was laying on his couch and it was 10:00 at night. He’d slept for about a good four hours. He sighed and got up to get himself some water. As he was opening up the fridge to get a bottled water he heard a knock at the door. He closed the fridge and walked slowly to the door. He unlocked it carefully and when he opened the door he felt the air leave his lungs.

There stood Brendon Urie with his hair disheveled and his suit wrinkled and his eyes red with black rings underneath them, and Ryan doesn’t think he’s seen anything more horribly  beautiful. Ryan stood there, momentarily stunned and shocked and horrified and scared all over again. Brendon stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked at the floor.

”Hey.” He said, quietly. His voice changed Ryan thought, it got deeper, huskier, more man and less boy. He tried to find his voice.

”Uhm. H-hi.” Brendon looked up into his eyes. 

“Can I come in?” He asked. Ryans jaw dropped off his own accord and he stared at him, shocked, before nodding and moving out of the way to let him inside. Brendon stepped into his apartment and walked into the living room.

”Nice place.” He commented. Ryans hands were shaking as he closed the door.

”Thanks.” He whispered. Brendon went and sat on the couch. Ryan stood in the middle of the living room. He felt his heart pounding against his ribs, painfully.  The silence dragged on for too long so finally Ryan asked,

”What are you doing here?” He couldn’t get his voice above a whisper so even he could barley hear his own question. Brendon sighed and rubbed his eyes. 

“I’m getting married tomorrow.” He said. Ryan blinked.

”Yeah. Yeah, I know.” He said quickly. Brendon put his head in his hands and murmured.

”Can you come sit over here?” Ryan froze in place and he felt like his ribs were going to break because of the pressure from his heart. He let out a shaky breathe and went over to sit next to Brendon on the couch. Brendon put his hands down and looked at the wall in front of them.

”Spencer threw me a bachelor party.” He said. Ryan swallowed and nodded. “I ended it early. I told em it’s because I wanted to go spend time with Sarah.” He laughed softly, but it sounded choked. “And I was going to. I really was. I was going to go get her flowers and go and surprise her but, I just kept driving and driving and I-i ended up here.” Ryan bit his lip hard enough to taste blood. Brendon turned to look at him. “Say something.” He whispered. Ryan couldn’t look at his face so he kept his eyes on the floor.

”I-I don’t know what you want me to say, Brendon.” He heard his voice shake. Brendon ran a hand through his hair and huffed.

”I don’t-fuck, I don’t know. I don’t even know why I’m here. I-I’m getting married tomorrow for fucks sake.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry. Shit, I’m sorry.”

”Don’t be sorry.” Ryan whisperered. He could feel Brendon’s gaze on him. 

“Why won’t you look at me?” He asked, his voice on the verge of breaking. Ryan tried to remember to breathe. In out In out in out. He closed his eyes.

”Because it’s too damn hard, Brendon.”  He breathed out. He opened his eyes and stared at the wall. “Too damn hard.” He repeated. Brendon nodded. 

“Yeah. Yeah. I know.” Ryan put his hands over his face. 

“Why-why are you here? Why the hell are you here?” He said, more harshly than he inteneded. He heard Brendon’s breathing hitch.

”I dont know, alright? I don’t fucking know.” Brendon said, raising his voice a bit. Ryan finally turned to look at him. He looked into those eyes that he always got lost in. The ones that belonged to the boy that was no longer his. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. 

“I’ve missed you.” Brendon whispered, now. “I’ve missed you so much.” His voice cracked at the finally word. Ryan gasped slightly. He stood up.

”You can’t-you can’t just fucking-“ He felt the tears behind his eyes. “Say stuff like that.” Brendon stood up to face him. Tears were already building in his eyes, balancing on his long lashes. He tried to say something but Ryan cut him off. “You can’t just come into my home, after years of not talking to me, the day before you’re getting married, and say stuff like that.” He balled his hands into fists while the tears fell down his cheeks. Brendon was wiping at his tears angrily.

”You’re the fucking one who broke the whole thing off Ryan!” He yelled. “You’re the one who ruined it. You’re the one who couldn’t handle all your emotions, you’re the one who’s fucking ruined us and what we had!” Ryan pulled at his hair, slightly.

”You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t regret every single god damn thing I said? I know! I fucking know, alright? I ruined us, I messed it up, I fucked up, okay? I fucked up. I know I know I know!” He shouted. The tears fell faster now. “You think I wanted that? Do you honesty think that I meant what I said? That I didn’t want you?” Brendon let the tears fall of his cheeks this time.

”Well, you fucking said it didn’t you? And what we were doing didn’t exactly scream “I love you” did it? We fucked and we fought and I loved you and I fucking told you and when you didn’t say it back I didn’t pressure you or anything, because I knew that was how you were. I knew that. I knew that we were different. But when you don’t say that you love me back and then you tell me you don’t want me anymore and that nothing we had was at all important, you expect me to not believe it?!” His voice went high and broke off at the end. Ryans lip quivered.

”I was scared, okay? I was so scared, alright? I know that doesn’t count as an excuse and it makes me a huge fucking coward but I was so scared. I loved you. Of course, I fucking loved you! Hell, I still do! That’s why you coming here and saying stuff like that is god damn hard!” They stood there in silence for a few seconds. Ryan tried to catch his breath. He wipes his tears away and pulled at his hair slightly. Brendon came over and took Ryans hands off his hair. He looked pained. His tears kept falling. He put his hands on either side of Ryans face. His eyes widened. Brendon leaned in and pressed their lips together. Softly. Just the gentle press of two lips on each other. Neither of them moved. Ryan felt shivers run all through his body. Brendon pulled away and leaned his forehead against Ryans. Even though the kiss didn’t last very long, and neither of their lips even moved, they were both breathless.

”What did-what-“ Ryan cut himself off.

”I loved you.” Brendon whispered. “I love you.” Ryans head pounded. “But-I-I love her too. And-she’s this sure thing for me right now.” Brendon voice shook. “I know she won’t ever leave.” Ryan swallowed the lump in his throat and closed his eyes. He nodded

”I know.” He whispered. Brendon traced his cheekbone with his finger. They’d were both still crying. But, it was less now. Brendon slid his hands around Ryans waist and buried his face into his neck, Ryan wrapped his arms around his shoulders and held him tightly. 

“I’m sorry.” Brendon mumbled against his skin. Ryan shook his head.

”Don’t be. I screwed us over, remember?” Brendon didn’t say anything but squeezed Ryan tighter. They held each other for what seemed like hours. Ryan felt something vibrate against his leg through Brendon’s pants. They held on to each other for a few more seconds before letting go. Brendon took his phone out of his pocket.

”it’s-its Sarah. I um-I should get going.” Ryan eyes filled with tears again and he nodded to the floor. He took a deep breath.

”Yeah. Yeah. You should.” He sniffed. “Go home to your almost-wife.” He tried to smile, but it probably looked more like a grimace. Brendon chuckled, but it sounded pained. They both stood there. Brendon reached and grabbed Ryans hand. He laced their fingers together. Ryan looked at their conjoined hands and a feeling longing went through him. He tried to stop his hands from shaking. He looked into his eyes and smiled slightly. “Really. Go. Your almost wife awaits.” His voice shook, no matter how hard he tried to mask it. The corner of Brendon’s eyes filled with tears. He nodded.

”Yeah.” He whispered. He squeezed Ryans fingers before letting go. He walked to the door and opened it slowly. Before he could leave Ryan said,

”Congratulations, by the way. On the marriage. Sarah’s a lucky girl.” Brendon turned to face him. Tears streamed down his face. 

“Thanks.” He said quietly. They stared at each other for a few more seconds before Brendon wiped off his tears and waved slightly. Ryan waved back. They smiled. Brendon walked out the door. It closed behind him. Ryan closed his eyes. He took a deep breath but that didn’t stop any of the tears that overflowed and dripped down his face. He walked over to the couch and finally cried the way he wanted to the night he ruined everything. He sobbed and screamed into the pillow until his throat felt raw and his head throbbed. After hours, when he finally stopped, he sat up and looked around his empty apartment. He squeezed his eyes shut and curled into himself until his mind just shut off. He fell asleep listening to the wind roar and the soft playing of a tv in the background, while clutching a pillow tightly to his chest. 

 

the end.


End file.
